The Emotional Train is Back on the Tracks

Its been a hard few days for me, and I don't want to dwell on it, but at the same time, its good to let it out. I am just finding it hard because this isn't like a normal illness, that goes away in a relatively short time. Its difficult not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, running on faith and clinging to hope. I am still trying to be positive and believing that Barry's strength will get him through. It just seems that it gets harder at times, and I don't really understand why. Emotion seems to creep up on me and it surprises me the things that get to me.

I think the hardest times, when I look back on it, are when I am feeling alone. I know I am not really alone, and there are many people out there that are cheering us on, saying prayers, and doing very kind things for us. I just miss being a proper couple, doing couple things, and not having this giant stresser hanging above us. There are times we laugh and joke, and then something will happen, and we are reminded that things aren't normal, that Barry does have cancer, and that makes me angry. All I have ever wanted, for all my life, was to be happy. And I found that in Barry, and later it was joined with Daniel, and we were normal and happy and content. Now, its not like that in many ways.

I want to be able to do simple things that we took for granted before cancer invaded our lives. We can't even grocery shop together. I often feel very alone, when I am in the car (the worst place to think, really) and I am running errands. I see something that I want to mention to Barry and he isn't there, or I think of something we were talking about hours before about and I can't mention it to him. I know it sounds silly, but we did pretty much everything together, from laundry to cooking to shopping to yard sales to going out for dinner. Now either I do it myself, or we don't do it. I feel guilty for saying it, but this wasn't how our lives were supposed to be, this isn't what either of us wanted from life. Right now I am angry that cancer has messed it all up. I wouldn't change the love I have felt from and for Barry for anything in the world, I would do all this again in a heartbeat, but at the same time, it just isn't fair. Its cruel and scary and maddening and lonesome and sad and just plain shitty.

There are things that I have had to do that I have never dreamed of doing. Things I have to do to help Barry get through the day, things I have to do to ease his pain, things I have to do to make the day seem normal. And my heart aches for Barry, because I can assure you the worst thing in my life is to see my strong, independent, husband, who made it his life mission to take care of me and Daniel and to make us safe and happy, need help walking, dressing, bathing, and being in pain and discomfort, and being so terribly sad (although he wouldn't admit to that). It actually hurts to see him go through this.

And the guilt I feel for feeling frustrated and angry and tired and sad. One one hand I get fed up doing what I have to do, and then I get angry, then guilty, then sad, then frustrated again, and the cycle continues. Its cruel. And Barry watches me go through all this, and he feels useless and ashamed that he can't do more and he blames himself for "putting me through this". And then we cry and vow to not let this get the better of us.... until it happens again.

I know this is all over the place, that I may be writing in a disconnected fashion, but once again, this is how my mind over works and thoughts roll around without my control. I don't think I am going crazy yet, haha, but I do have a hard time compartmentalizing things. Cancer seems to overflow into every aspect of our lives, and its hard to separate. Sometimes I even feel guilty when we forget for a period of time that he has cancer.

Have I mentioned that I hate cancer and what it does to our family?

I hate that Daniel suffers from this too. He has the stress of knowing Barry has cancer. I thought about it today, and I think he probably only remembers Barry being sick. In a way that is good because its all he has ever known, but on the other hand, he deserves more. I am trying to make more of an effort to play with him more, and spend more time with him instead of running around cleaning and cooking and running errands. He deserves that, and I know I have been making the extra effort like I used to. More guilt. Guilt makes me feel pretty yucky. I have to figure out a way to eliminate it from my thoughts. If only we could control all our thoughts....

On to better things...

Daniel is still doing great in school. He seems to have more confidence in many different things, including being around dogs, using stairs, singing. He has even conquered his fear of the toilet and now, along with his trusty Thomas toilet seat from Nanny and Grandad, he can do his stinky business with ease. At first he needed me to be there, to hold his hand, but slowly he has increased his confidence and today I was able to leave the room. He is growing up so fast! lol Thinking about writing this, ten years from now Daniel can't ever know I shared his pooping habits with the world, so this is our little secret! haha

Barry is now able to walk! He was given the ok to do what he feels comfortable doing. He has been working so hard to strengthen his calf muscles, which have become weak and seized, and today he walked without a walker or cane or crutches across the living room and back. This really lifted my spirits. Later today he reheated his own coffee, made Daniel a sandwich, and walked to the bathroom. He still struggled, but he is on the mend in regards to his leg. I don't think Barry likes all the work and struggles with walking, however we have set a goal of November the first for him to be walking with much more ease. We have important visitors arriving on the 2nd and 4th of November, so he has great incentive.

Barry's brother, Steve, will be flying in from Australia and will be arriving on the 2nd. He has a fear of flying, so this is a big deal for him. We are all looking forward to seeing him so much. He has actually never met Daniel, because when he was here last I was very pregnant, so Daniel is very excited to finally meet his Uncle Steve from Australia. And while I am on the subject of Steve, I want to thank you, so very much, for being there for me. I was in a real funk last night, and when your email came in, I was ready to unload. So thank you for not thinking I am crazy or selfish or being a baby. I just had reached my limit, and you were so kind and caring. It meant so much to me, so thank you. You're the best xxx

Then also on the 2nd, Craig, Barry's son, and Wendie, his first wife and now my dear friend, will be driving up here from the USA. Wendie and I have bonded so much and have become friends, talking pretty much every day! And Daniel is very excited to see his brother again and to play football with him lol. Barry is really looking forward to seeing Craig, and to get to know him again. They are both so laid back and they just let things happen, and Barry doesn't want to overwhelm him with his cancer business, so things haven't been moving very quickly with their relationship. Barry was telling me last night that it will be nice to just be with Craig and let things happen naturally, instead of on a phone where things can be awkward for these two non talkers lol. So all around, we are excited for their visit.

And then, last but definitely not least, Dot, who is Wendie's mum, will be flying in from England on the 4th. I have not met Dot, but I feel as if I have. She is so kind and caring, I can't wait to finally meet her! And Barry and Dot got along famously way back when, so he is looking forward to the laughs and good times. And we are also excited, but on a lesser scale of course, to have some Fox's Glacier Mints, directly from the UK lol.

We are planning a dinner at a Chinese buffet restaurant down the road from us on Sunday, November 8th in the early afternoon. We want everyone to come that can! Please call me if you would like to join us. The more the merrier. I want to celebrate life, family and love. Please try to make it, because there will be a laugh or two to be had!

A few thank you's to mention before I sign off.

Jessica, thank you for the lovely dinner you made us before Barry's operation. It was so delicious and came at the perfect time. I can't thank you enough. And I know I haven't replied to your email, but your offer of making Daniel's cake in a train theme was another great offer, that I fully intend to take you up on! I cannot bake, and Daniel will be just thrilled! I also want your boys to come to the party and have some fun at the train museum if they can make it! There will hopefully be lots of kids there, and lots of fun! I will email you with the details as soon as I can.

Bieke, as always you have been simply wonderful. All the food, the curry, chili, soups, all amazing. And the time you spend with Daniel....we love the break, but most off all Daniel has so much fun with you. The advice you give me, even this evening, is so valuable to me. Its sometimes hard to see the forest from the trees, and what you say is so logical and real and easy. Thank you, I can't say it enough, nor can I express what it means to me. xx

Mum and Dad, thank you for everything you do for us. You really helped us out of a bind the other day. And driving all this way to take care of Daniel means a lot to us. We hope father is feeling better and is on the mend.

AJ thank you for the things you brought us the other day. We really needed it, and made our life so much easier. Thank you also for watching Daniel during part of Barry's chemotherapy appointment. Its easier to get through knowing he is well taken care of.

Samantha, thank you for taking charge of Daniel's Halloween costume! I think he is going to be the best looking cowboy in the north lol. He already loves the cowboy hat! Thank you, because this is one less thing that I have to do, but still needs to be done. xxx

Wendie, for listening to me during my highs and lows this month. I seriously can't wait for the big visit. People may not understand us, but as long as we do, it doesn't matter! You have turned into a great friend, and for that alone, thank you xxx

Finally, to Barry, I love you, and you are the best husband. I mean it when I say I would never change a thing, because loving you and being loved by you has made me the happiest woman alive. I never knew I could love someone with so much of my heart before I met you. I have become a much better person with you in my life. I love you all the way to the moon and back, my darling. You're simply the best!

Nykki, thanks for our chat the other day. For having never met you, we truly are kindred spirits, and your heart is so kind. Thank you for just being you.

Lots of love to you all xxxx