Forever

This is a great song, so I thought I would put in on here. I put it at the top, so you could read and listen at the same time :) I have found my forever with Barry. As corny as it sounds, I cannot picture life with out us being a team, and that's just another reason among many, that Barry will win this battle.

We found out today from Dr. Ghert's office that Barry is not a candidate to have his femur cut off above the affected area and then a donor femur put back in place. We didn't actually get to speak to the doctor, so we aren't sure of the reasons, but after being told that the recovery time for this is 6 to twelve months, Barry knew that it wasn't the right choice for him. Who wants to look forward to that, really? I know I wouldn't want to be faced with that.

So, Barry is going to go ahead with the plate screwed into his femur option. Along with that, he is going to have some radiation, I believe it is 3 sessions 7 days apart. Dr. Basur, the radiation doctor we saw on Thursday, said that because of Barry's amazing response to the chemotherapy, he feels and hopes that it will reduce the cancer in his femur as well. Here's hoping!! It was nice to hear the positivity from him.

We tried to call Dr. Armstrong, the orthopedic surgeon that we met at the emergency room last Saturday, to arrange the operation, and low and behold he is on vacation until October 5th! Lovely. So then I tried to call the nurse at Grand River to refer Barry to another orthopedic surgeon, and the entire cancer centre was closed. At 4pm. Frustrating. Very frustrating. But we will call again first thing Monday morning, and try to get this all arranged. So much waiting.

I am also waiting for a woman from Henderson (the hospital in Hamilton) to call me with information about the very expensive drug that could help Barry. That will at least give me a starting point and some information to arm myself with. A friend of mine suggested to have a big fundraiser, like a stag and doe, to get enough money for one month's treatment, to get him started and to see if it would work. I love the idea, but don't have the time to organise it. I know people are always asking if we need anything, so anyone out there with huge ambition that would like to do this, by all means go ahead lol. I wish I had the time to put something together, because I really think this is the missing link to getting rid of this cancer. Its something we have to try. Fundraiser or not, we will get this drug for Barry!

Today was a hard day for Barry, emotionally. I can't begin to describe how it feels to watch him suffer like this. I know I have said it before, but he has always been so strong. Barry's parents told me that as a toddler he used to carry big rocks around, and once he pulled a tree stump out of the ground himself, and I have seen him carry things that would take two men normally. Now he doesn't have the strength to use his crutches, and a trip to the washroom wears him out. He needs a seat in the shower, not only for fear of slipping, but because its hard to stand for so long. He has to plan his trips to the washroom, because he is slow, he stays in the car instead of coming into the store, because its so much work to get in and out. Tonight he was really angry and frustrated at what he has become. I can only tell him it will get better so many times, both of us knowing that it might not get better for a while, if at all. We are being hit hard lately, and we are both finding it hard to stay strong. And the sad thing is, all we have is faith. When that starts to waiver, we become weaker, and then we can't stay as positive. Its all a vicious circle really. I think today's frustration is because we were so busy with errands, and Barry couldn't help. He did some dishes while I was out (he waits until I leave to do things I would tell him off for doing if I were home!) and he handled some important phone calls, but I was out all day running around, and he wants to take care of me and Daniel. This part is hard for him.

I didn't want to go and do all the things that had to be done, and I think perhaps if I was less vocal about that, it would be easier for him. So I am going to make an effort to keep those feelings to myself. I don't always want to make all the meals and do all the cleaning up. You have to keep in mind I am not the most domesticated wife lol. Barry enjoyed cooking, and always took over what I started. He washed and dried the clothes while I folded them. He washed the dishes and I put them away. We were a team, we filled each others holes, we were in sync. Now its me doing these things, and he wants to do them. Although for some reason he still won't sneak into the bathroom and clean the toilet.....

Support and kindness keep me motivated, so I thank everyone for hanging in there right beside us and not forgetting Barry's Battle. It means so much that there are people here for the long haul. That truly makes a huge difference to our attitudes. A nice phone call, or letter, or visit does two things: it takes us away from the cancer, and it (usually) makes us laugh at some point which lifts our spirits. We have heard so many times that people don't call because they know we are busy. Well, we have an answering machine, and I will 99% of the time put off doing the dishes (or something just as terrible) to have a lovely chat! Please don't be afraid to get in the way. We like pushy people that call and drop by unexpectedly! lol Please remember that :) And consider yourself told off lol.

Daniel continues to do well in school. He got another sticker for being a good listener. (I am beaming with pride!) He has been working on pulling up his own shorts/pants and can now do it without a thought. (he can count to 1000, read and spell, knows how to mix colours, but had no interest in dressing himself, go figure!). We are working on shoes, but those darn heels make it hard to get his foot in easily. His favourite friend at school is Emily and says he is extra kind to Colin as he cries every day because he misses his mommy. He is doing so well and we are so pleased he is finally in school! He has been asking to go for over a year now. We are glad that is over, because he never forgets lol.

We had the hospice lady, Peggy, visit with him on Wednesday. She read a book with him about the life cycle of a leaf (starts as a bud, forms into a leaf, changes colour, falls off, then dies) and he loves the book. She also said that things can change, but they are still the same thing. (the leaf changes colour but its still a leaf) and I think that has given him some peace. He is a unique little man, concerned about a lot, and this seems to have calmed him somewhat. And he told Bieke that we visit a lot of hospitals, so we haven't brought him with us since. I think that has made a big difference in him too. All this help with Daniel, from our family and friends, to his teacher, and Peggy, it reminds me that it does take a village to raise a child and it makes me feel good to have the support for him. Having Grandma pick him up from school and then having a pizza dinner, and a play date with Donna, and a trip to the park with Bieke, and learning so many new things at school, and a visit from Nanny and Grandad, and knowing he has a big brother out there, and getting a Koala from Uncle Steve, ALL help him to be a happier boy. It also fills in the gaps that Barry and I leave by having no choice but to fight this battle. I know he will be okay through this journey. Ok... I'm crying, but happy tears!!!

Time for bed now. Releasing this amount of emotion does also make me tired. But I think its good. It makes room for more, and I know there will be more tomorrow. Its cleansing and rejuvenating and good, even though its sometimes hard to see on the screen in black and white.

Lots of love to you all xxxxxx

There Is Some GREAT News in This Post...

I know, I know, its been a very long time since I have written an update. Things have been happening in warp speed, its hard to keep up! And then when the day is done, and Daniel is tucked into bed, I find myself so tired, that I am not far behind him. But here is the update, with loads of information!

Emotions have been all over the place in the last week or so, some days being great, some bad, and some good and bad. With the highs and lows has come a lot of information. Where to start??

I will start right in with the details of the hospital visit to the orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Armstrong.

Just before we left and headed out the door, there was a knock on our door and Barry's crutches were delivered. The order was put in around 4pm the day before, and before 9:30am the next morning they were here. Pretty great service, if I may say so. These were compliments of John the physio guy.

We dropped Daniel off with Bieke and headed over to the hospital, arriving just before 10am. We checked in and gave all of Barry's details to the nurse and then waited about 10 minutes, maximum before Barry was called to see the doctor. We weren't brought to a room, but to the viewing station in the hallway, so we could see pictures of Barry's scan on the monitors. It was really interesting, but quite startling to see the size of the cancer there. I would guess that its close to the size of a golf ball. That leaves about a fingers width of bone that is not affected by this cancer. This is the dangerous part because it could break at any time. Scary, because fixing a break is much harder, longer, and more painful for Barry than to strengthen the area before a break happens.

Basically, we were unable to make a decision because this orthopedic surgeon didn't know enough about the cancer side of things to make us feel comfortable enough to go ahead. And Guelph had no oncologists on call at all, so we felt iffy about making a choice then and there to go ahead with the operation. We were worried about the chemo only days ago, blood levels, infection, and just making such a quick decision that would have very lasting consequences.

We left the hospital thinking we would speak with the new oncologist in Hamilton that we met yesterday....

So we called Bieke, and asked if she wouldn't mind if we grabbed some breakfast (Barry hadn't had anything to eat in case he had to go ahead with the operation and he was feeling very ill at this point.) So off we went to Town and Country, a dive of a restaurant with great food here in Guelph.

So fast forward to this week and our appointment in Hamilton with Dr. Tozer, the new oncologist. The drive to Hamiton was good, with not a lot of traffic. I was worried the entire trip because we wouldn't be there to pick up Daniel from school. However, my aunt was there to pick him up and he had no worries that Mommy and Daddy weren't there. They had a nice time playing and they made a special pizza, and even when we rolled in very late, he wasn't upset that we had been gone that long. In fact, when I was talking to him tonight about picking him up from school tomorrow, he was upset that I was coming, but has agreed to let me come one day, and Grandma can come the next. We are to take turns, according to Daniel. lol. So thank you, AJ, for taking such great care of Daniel. We couldn't have made this LONG yet important trip without you!! And Friday is your day to pick up Daniel now lol.

So we got to the hospital, I dropped Barry off, parked and brought him a wheelchair. Once he was in, the security guard insisted that he wheel Barry for me, and brought us to the information desk. What I thought was really nice, while we waited for the information lady to be free, was in the waiting room, and in all the other waiting rooms we saw, there was a basket with yarn and knitting needles with a note. I am not sure what the note said, but I believe the yarn and needles were there for people to knit while they way, and then in turn make blankets out of what the patients make. What a lovely idea!! I can knit, and I was there by myself, bored, I could knit, relax, and help someone out at the same time. Brilliant!

So the info lady didn't just tell us where we had to go, but she had a volunteer take us to the correct clinic and she also gave us a pamphlet to familiarize us with the hospital. Great treatment! Until we started our wait for the doctor. We waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room, and then Barry was called. We thought that was great timing, and thought we would be in and out before rush hour traffic started. How wrong we were. We sat and waiting a total of 2 hours for the doctor. He walked in at 5:00 for our 3:00 appointment. After we told him we were not too impressed, we discovered that he is a great guy.

Let me spill the great news I have been sitting on this entire time I have been typing!! The chemotherapy is working on the cancer in Barry's body!!! He had a bump on his arm that was literally the size of a golf ball, near his shoulder. That has reduced in size by three quarters, if not more. There was a smaller bump on his chest, and that is nearly gone. There was a big lump on his back that I can't even find now!!! We told this to Dr. Tozer and he said that this was very rare, and amazing! I don't think he gave a percentage of the probability of this happening, but he said it almost never happens. Go Barry!! What a champ!!!

The only thing that isn't so great about this is that the chemo is only working on his body. The "mets" as the doctors call them, in his brain are not reached by the chemo. There is a blood barrier around the brain that protects the brain from the chemo drugs. So that leaves his fate, for now, with the radiation that he had. Dr. Tozer said that more radiation on the brain could cause dementia and Alzheimer's like symptoms. Not good.

So Dr. Tozer mentioned this other drug, that is almost identical to the chemo drugs that Barry has taken, except it is in a pill form and not taken through I.V. and (here is the good part) it passes through the blood barrier in the brain! The bad news (and its pretty bad) is that it costs $3000.00 to $5000.00 per month and the government (lovely government) does NOT cover it. Apparently there isn't enough supporting evidence that it is better than the chemo drugs. They haven't had enough successes to prove that it can save lives. Dr. Tozer said he will give me a name of a woman in the hospital that can help me try some avenues to get the government to pay for it, but it is not likely. So, my friends and family, I have now made it my mission to get Barry this drug. If he is one of the few (lucky number 7%) that is responding to the chemotherapy, then there is a great chance that he will respond to this new drug.

Dr. Tozer also talked about Barry's femur, the main concern right now for all doctors and us. The doctor is passing along Barry's scans and charts to a orthopedic oncologist, a bone doctor that specializes in cancer issues in the bone. She is basically going to look at everything and determine if this is something that would benefit from her speciality, or if any orthopedic surgeon could handle this. Once she gives it all a once over, they will be in contact and let us know who we should see about it and possibly her opinion of what we should do. So much to think about. The options we have heard so far are to put a ruler like metal thing down the good side of Barry's femur and to screw it into place, and then to radiate the cancer. The problem with this is that the radiation might not work, and if it does, we don't know what would happen with the "pocket" that would be left in the bone. The bone could kind of be like swiss cheese, not strong, filled with holes, and the femur would be weak. Then, it could either regrow, and become healthy, or it could be too damaged and it may not. The other option that has been discussed is to cut the femur above the cancer point, and the remove it, and then replace it with a donor femur. This option is obviously more invasive and would have a longer healing time for Barry. So basically, we aren't experts, and we aren't sure what the best choice would be. All we do know is that this is serious, and none of the doctors want the bone to break before something is done, because fixing the break is the least desirable option with the most pain and healing time for Barry.

Tomorrow we are going to see a new radiologist, Dr. Basiur. Hopefully he will provide us with some insight, and also be a little nicer and not as demeaning as the first radiologist. I sometimes feel I would be much better at this if I had a degree in medicine!

Our emotions are up and down, and Barry is more frustrated than ever that he can't get around on his own. He is scared to break his leg, and is therefore being extra cautious. He uses a walker in the apartment, crutches to and from the car, and now a wheelchair once we reach a destination. There is a bath bench to help in in and out of the tub, and to provide a seat while showering so he doesn't slip and fall. He even has a cane from his dad to get around the kitchen and bathroom a little easier and where the walker doesn't fit. And then he has me to drive him everywhere, and do the majority of what he needs, so his independence has basically been taken away. I know that its starting to get to him, and he is getting angry. He really has no outlet for that, and sometimes it comes my way because there is no one else here to take it. I feel bad for him, and wish I could do more. I just don't see how there are enough hours in a day to get it all done. I want to do so much more for him but I run out of time or stamina. I try my hardest to keep a smile but some times that doesn't happen. Barry is only 50. He was strong and independent and now that has all changed. I just keep reminding myself of how I would feel in his shoes. That seems to get me by for now.

Today I made a favourite treat of our for dinner. Its a chowder and it is delicious! I am going to include the recipe because its great for the fall weather because it warms you right up! Try it and let me know how you like it!!

Sar's Hearty Bacon Potato Chowder

8 slices of bacon cut into 1 inch pieces
2 cups of cubed red potatoes, skin on (I even use regular potatoes and its just as good, just not as much color)
1 cup chopped onion
1 cup sour cream
1 1/4 cup milk
1 can of condensed cream of chicken soup
1 can of whole kernel corn, drained
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon thyme leaves

In a big pot, cook bacon over medium heat for 5 minutes. Then add potatoes and onions. Continue cooking, stirring occasionally until potatoes are tender (15-20 minutes). Add remaining ingredients. Continue cooking for another 10-15 minutes to heated all the way through.

I usually add more potato and onion, (an extra half of the suggested amount) and sometimes more corn, which makes it more like a meal. You really can't mess this up. Also, if I have no thyme, I use an Italian mix of spices, or oregano, just a little less if just using oregano.

Its late, I am sleepy, and Daniel has school tomorrow and I've not made his lunch for tomorrow! Speaking of school, Daniel is selling chocolate covered almonds and cashews as a fundraiser for his school. Anyone interested in buying a box (or two) email me. They are $3.00 per box and yummy :)

I hope I have covered most things..... I know there are more, but that can wait until tomorrow.

Lots of love to you all xxx

Another Guest Writer :)

This is something that my dear friend Nykki wrote for us. As a warning, it made both Barry and I tear up!

Thanks so much Nyk... its just beautiful and you are very talented! Lots of love to you all, across the pond xxx

For Barry, Sara, Daniel, Craig, Ma and Pa Walker, Steve and the all of the Walker family and friends….

I cannot try to understand it
And I don’t know what to say,
The tears that have fallen
Have been the only way.
I may be a thousand miles away
But my mind is there with you,
Each and every step you take
I am a shadow there too.
Your strength is unbreakable,
Your family, a beautiful sight!
Such a powerful reminder
Of why you continue to fight.
I don’t know where this path will go
But I know you will have run every mile,
And know you will continue to do so
Always trying to crack a smile.
For you, my friends, are amazing!
Everyone needs people like you.
And all your friends a family
Relish your confidence too.
As your fight continues across the pond,
Remember your support over here;
In mind and spirit we’re fighting for you too
Our hearts ready to comfort your fear.
Our prayers for you continue
As we think of you everyday:
Barry The Bear, be sturdy and tough
For good news is surely on the way.

Much love from the UK
Nyk, Steve, Lawrie and Georgina xxxxx

I will be updating the blog today, come hell or high water! I know its been days, and I have loads to write about, some good, some not so good that we will make good, and some great. So please stay tuned for that some time today.

And once again, if you want to write something for our blog, simply email it to threebears1959@yahoo.ca and I will gladly post it up for all to see. Its a nice addition to the blog, I think. So get writing, and email it to me!!

Lots of love, and until later today xxxxx

Another Hiccup

What started off as a fairly good day quickly turned into another tearful day.

Barry was feeling relatively well, apart from having the hiccups all night and not sleeping well at all. The nausea had lessened from yesterday, and he was not quite as tired. A real trouper, he is! We even decided to go out for a bit of lunch to, you guessed it, Swiss Chalet. Barry was able to eat most of his meal, Daniel was very well behaved, and apart from Barry's bum feeling very bony on the chair, all was good.



We got home and there was a message on our machine from a doctor, whom I can't remember her name, that was filling in for the day for Barry's oncologist, Dr. Knight. I rang her back and was hit hard with some tough news to hear. Barry had a scan on his knee yesterday because he hurt it when he was still at work. He had had a scan about a month ago and nothing showed up, so John the physio guy has been treating it as a soft tissue injury. Well, Barry had another scan yesterday, just to check up on it, and it was revealed that there is cancer in his femur. If that wasn't enough, we were told that Barry cannot walk on it for fear it could break. The femur gets quite narrow at the bottom, above the knee. We do not know the actual size of the cancer there, but it does go across the entire width of the femur at the bottom. This has weakened the bone, and even a minor stumble, or putting his foot down too hard could cause the bone to fracture or break. So no walking. We tried to get the Community Care Access Centre people to get him some crutches, through John the physio guy, but apparently it was too late. Hopefully they will arrive some time tomorrow.



So with this high risk for a break or fracture, Barry has been told to go to the Emergency Room at our hospital tomorrow at 10 am and meet with an orthopedic surgeon. He will meet us there and review the scan from yesterday more closely and decide from there what to do. The doctor I spoke with today said there are two options that she knew of. One, cast Barry's leg to immobilize it, then radiate the area to shrink the mass. This is a bit risky because radiation doesn't work immediately so the chance of breaking or fracturing the femur is still there, although lessened. Two, operate and insert a rod into Barry's knee as a preemptive surgery to eliminate the risk of the break. We are not sure if radiation would occur afterwards, because I was too much in shock to think of all the right questions to ask. Tomorrow we will ask that. Also, with the operation, the doctors would have to take into consideration that Barry just had chemotherapy on Monday, and therefore his white blood cells (which fight infection) and red blood cells (oxygen carriers and also bacteria fighters) could be low, perhaps even too low for an operation.



Basically we were hit hard with this, and Barry is finding it hard to keep his thoughts positive. We had a huge cry today after hearing the news. I knelt in front of him and just hugged him while he cried, and while I cried. It was a bit harder to stop this time. And it broke my heart when Daniel asked why we were crying, and then asked why we didn't stop crying. I am finding it so hard to have my emotions, yet shelter and protect him from this. I couldn't stop crying, and crying is a great outlet, but I know Daniel equates crying with sadness, and therefore becomes quite upset knowing we are sad. It is a hard balancing act to perform, and I feel tremendous guilt for failing day after day. We have a woman from Hospice coming to chat and play with Daniel, to talk with him about cancer, and what we are all going through. She seemed very informed and capable, so I am hoping this fills some of the gaps we have left open. She comes Wednesday this week coming, and I feel it can't be soon enough. I know he is a smart, strong, capable boy, but he is still only 3, and this ordeal will have a lasting effect on him regardless. I just want him to come out of this with the happiness he has now, and to grow with a healthy outlook on life. His innocence and love of all things makes him a pretty special boy, and I don't want this to take that away from him... DAMMIT this isn't fair. This disease is a beast and I HATE it. There is no break from it, there is no peace with it, and there is no reason for it.



I was a mess calling Barry's parents, no help to them. I often fear I am making it worse, being such an emotional messenger. I am sorry I can't make this easier for them. This is their son, no matter how old, and I can't even imagine what they themselves are going through.



Our call from Steve was emotional and sad and beautiful all at the same time. I am not sure what was said, and I don't think we need to know, but I do know they shared some lovely words and a heartfelt cry. These brothers are halfway around the world from each other, but their closeness tonight was evident. Barry couldn't speak, handed me the phone, and I could see Barry sobbing, and I could hear Steve was in the same state, and I felt so much love from them both for the other. I could barely speak. Steve, you are wonderful, and so are you Mom and Dad. I am so lucky to be on Team Walker, and to be a part of such a lovely, wonderful family.



Wendie, once again you are the surprise rock for me. Who would have thought we would be so close? You are a true friend, something I never thought would happen. Thank you for everything you have done, and being there to listen to me cry. I know its not an easy job, but you always know what to say, when to say it, and when to just listen. No wonder your son turned out to be so great. xxxxx



Bieke, you didn't hesitate today when I asked you to watch Daniel tomorrow. You make me feel strong and loved and mush! I love you for all of that, and for how you respect and love Daniel.



My aunt Kim showed up for a surprise visit today. I found it odd, as she has never done that before, just turned up. They say everything happens for a reason, and I believe that. Her visit was just what we needed! She basically said the news was terrible, but you have to fight on! Then the rest of the visit was just normal, if that is possible! The tension and sadness and self pity Barry and both felt was lifted and we were able to put on our game faces again. We couldn't have got through with out her visit and that distraction. Whoever sent her to us today, thank you!



I am going to cuddle with Barry. I think we both need it tonight.



Thank you for all the support on face book and phone calls from those I haven't mentioned. We appreciated every word and call and love. We are blessed and this cancer won't beat Barry. He will beat this cancer!


Lots of love to you all xxxxxxx



P.S. here is a picture of Barry, without his hair xxx

A Message from a Guest Writer :)

I have opened up our blog to Stan Walker, Barry's dad, and I open it up to anyone else who wants to write something for everyone to read. I would like to preface this entry by saying I am not responsible for the nature of the content, and I have not edited this in any capacity. Any and all comments should be directed to the author, to whom I love dearly but do not wish to encourage. ;)

To every one of you out in the sticks many of who we ( Ma and Pa Walker) have never met, may we express our most sincere and heart felt thanks for the magnificent responses that you have given to our family in this moment of dire need. Carry on the good work please do, as we need a lot more pennies before we can go on our world cruise in celebration of the recovery of Barry and his fight against you all know what.

Having said that, I do find it difficult to get Sara to part with one penny, especially when I have given her the best thoughts of my life, and believe me I have many to share. At my age all one has left are thoughts, if only I could remember them !!!!

As this is the first communication from me, you must wonder what I look like. If I told you 6ft with fair curly hair and blue eyes and abs that make a swoon fest easy, then you would all be right. However I cannot prove this as I have been sworn to secrecy by my lawyer, as my case does not come to court before Christmas, and the Police Gazette ( Sept edition )has only mug shots of me. So you will have to trust me.

I must close now, as there are several men wearing white jackets pounding at the door, I guess I shall have to let them in. Bye for now, OK OK I'm coming, some people are so impatient.....
Pa W

Anyone else wanting to share something with everyone, don't be shy! Its nice to have a little break and hear other's thoughts. My email is threebears1959@yahoo.ca. I will cut and paste what you write on here and let everyone know who it is from. Not everyone can read the comments posted by others (although I don't miss any of them and appreciate them) so if you want to share, please do!

Lots of love xxxx

My New Husband

Today is the day that I have a new husband.

Barry's hair finally decided to fall out today. He has tugged on it every day to see if it was time, but today it finally slipped out easily with no resistance. Barry asked that I borrow clippers from Kristine and buzz his hair off and to buy a bandanna or something to cover up his possibly ugly head. He was feeling a little tired so I had my aunt and sister come round to play with Daniel and sent Barry to bed for a well needed and deserved nap while I popped out to collect what he needed.

I had a few other things to do, so I finished the errands with a trip to Tim Horton's for a coffee for Barry and some timbits for Daniel just after Barry woke up. My aunt and Samantha left, and we debated when to shave his head. We didn't want Daniel to think it was a bad thing and we definitely didn't want to shock him by not telling him before, so we decided to do it then and there. We got Daniel to help, and before we started he got a towel for Barry to wear around his shoulders, placed his favourite blanket on the chair, and got the teddy bear he bought Barry for his birthday in case Barry got scared. (I sure do love him...he is genuinely kind hearted and it melts me when he's so wonderful!) Then, standing tall, Daniel said, "Daniel's cut shop is open for business!". lol We got Barry settled, with towel on and bear in hand, and then together Daniel and I held the scissors and took the first cut together. Then I got the clippers out and started shaving. Daniel left because he doesn't like loud noises and then the mood, at least for me, changed. I felt so sad, shaving his head. Every step we take in this battle makes things more real. But I held back the tears and tried not to appear scared and so sad. I don't suppose Barry believed the laughter and light hearted comments. It was a weird time, both of us feeling a weight upon our shoulders, but pretending it wasn't there.

When we were done, Barry went to the mirror. I felt I should follow him and he took a quick look and ducked away as fast as he could. I saw the back of him and his shoulders were shaking and he turned to me, sobbing, and said he was sad, over and over. There we stood, in our tiny kitchen, hugging and crying. I couldn't say anything, except that I loved him, and it may sound corny, but it was as if time stood still and we just had that moment, being sad and scared together. Then Daniel came in and brought us back to reality. I asked Daniel how Daddy looked and he said funny and Barry laughed, and some how it all was ok.

I honestly think being bald is a good look for Barry. Who would have thought that someone with a full head of beautiful hair would suit no hair at all? I think, and this isn't just to be nice to Barry, that it takes years off of him, and he looks younger and more handsome! He is still Barry, but somehow different. I see his worry just a little bit more, but I don't look at him now and immediately think he is sick. If a stranger saw him on the street, I am sure they would just think he is a bald man.

So the deed is done, we are feeling a bit better, as if the weight was lifted back off our shoulders for the time being, but his hair is still on the counter and I can't bring myself to throw it away. Keeping it in a zipper bag seems a little creepy, but throwing it away seems insensitive not the right thing to do. I keep walking by it, and I am just not ready to throw what belongs to Barry in the garbage. I seriously don't know what goes through my mind since this all began and wonder if I am losing my mind. Rationally, it is nothing more than hair, no different from a regular haircut. Emotionally, its a piece of Barry that deserves more than a trash bin. As it is late, and I am questioning my sanity but still listening to my heart, it will stay there until tomorrow. Perhaps then I can make up my mind.

Yesterday Barry had his first chemo treatment. It was a VERY long day for us, and for Barry's parents, who watched Daniel for the day. (thank you so very much. We couldn't possibly have taken him and made it through the day without tears.) We arrived at the hospital at 10:15am and left at 4:45pm, a 7 hour day at the hospital, with about a 40 minute drive each way.

When we got there, we first met with the pharmacist, Terry, who was just wonderful. He explained each drug that Barry was going to get that day, and all the drugs he was to take afterwards for the following 3 days. He answered all our questions and then some and made us feel so much better about the chemotherapy and what to expect during and afterwards. Terry even made a calendar with each drug and what time to take it and colour coded the drugs and the calendar! Excellent for me, since there is always so much going on during the day, and I like schedules because it organizes me.

So after our chat with Terry, we were taken into this great big area called the chemotherapy suite. There were 3 big rooms and in each room there were beds and chairs for the patients while they were given their chemo drugs. Each big room was like an open ward, with curtains that could be drawn if more privacy was desired. But every single person had their curtain open. I think it was because there was more to watch. Some people were alone and had no one to talk to or nothing to do but lie and watch everyone else. Most people weren't alone, I was glad to see. Barry and I both agreed that there were too many people. There were at least 50 beds or chairs, and Barry's chemo treatment is the longest treatment there is, so people would come and go. It was one day and way too many people were injected with chemo drugs, and too many people suffering and battling cancer. It was sobering to see these fighters, battling for their lives.

After Barry was hooked up to an IV and given some saline to get things started, he was given some Benadryl because a lot of people develop allergy symptoms or a sensitivity to the drugs. That took about 30 minutes to run its course, and made Barry slightly drowsy. Then they added an anti-nausea drug called Metoclopramide which was about 20 minutes, and after that was gone he was given Zantac, which also acted as an anti-nausea drug. So with the pre-chemotherapy medicine out of the way, it was time for Paclitaxel, which had to be given slowly, and took 3 hours to empty the bag! This was the first of the actual chemo drugs. After that long stretch, Barry was given the Carboplatin, the final of the 2 chemo drugs. We were never so happy to be done something as we were when the last drop dripped out of the bag! Barry's nurse, who was just wonderful, removed the IV and sent us on our way. She was so kind, gentle and informative the entire day. We were the last ones to leave from Barry's section. We saw a lot of sick people, including one of the women next to Barry who had breast cancer. She was Spanish, and her daughter sat there and read the bible and prayed to her in Spanish. They both didn't cry, and they both had a calm about them. I don't know if it was her first or 50th treatment, but they just seemed so peaceful, even as the nurse injected a bright red toxic drug into her veins. Where do people get their strength? How do they stay so calm? I was once again humbled that day.

On the lighter side, Barry and I had a really good time together that day. It was almost like the cancer wasn't there when the nurses were gone and we were alone in our little section. We looked at pictures in a national geographic magazine, did crossword puzzles, talked, laughed, and ate some food, and drank some coffee (well, Barry drank the coffee.). It was nice to spend time together, basically doing nothing. It makes a nice change.

Barry never got sick that day. There was a chance he could have, but he didn't. When we left, the nurse said that he would most likely get sick when we got home or during the night. It never happened. Even today, when he should have been sick, he wasn't. He has taken all his drugs, relatively on time, and he has be great. He has felt slightly more tired than usually, but nothing major. He also felt light headed for a bit, but that didn't last. I am truly amazed at his stamina. Whatever keeps getting thrown at him, the takes it and throws it back out the window. He is amazingly strong, and I love him more for doing it with the "bring it on" attitude he embodies.

The nurse that came today was a little surprised that he is doing so well. That's Barry, defying all expectations, and that is exactly what is going to get him through this and what will make him the exception to the rule that melanoma can't be beat! I envision the cancer shrivelling up and disappearing within him. He will go on that road trip with his brother, stopping at all the Tim Horton's in Canada. He will watch Daniel grow up, and see Craig build his career in the Army, and will renew our wedding vows on our 25th anniversary! He will drive truck again, and we will grow old together. HE WILL BEAT THIS!

Barry will win his battle.

xxxxx

Chemo Today

We are heading to Grand River this morning for Barry's first chemo treatment. Barry has taken all the medications to prevent an allergic reaction to the chemo drugs and has 3 other prescriptions to take afterwards to keep the nausea at a minimum.

Barry's Mum and Dad are heading to Guelph to take care of Daniel while we are gone for the 5 hours of appointments, and we are so thankful that you don't even bat an eyelid when we need you! We would be lost without you xxx

Thanks for the phone call this morning Steve. I can't say it enough, but your calls mean a lot to Barry. xxx

So we're off in a few hours. I have to say I am a bit nervous, but like I said to Barry's brother... Barry is so tough, I am sure he will handle the chemo like a champ and it won't even phase him! Here's hoping!!

Please have a quick moment this morning for Barry, and send him some positive vibes or say a little prayer! xxxx

I will update again this evening when he is home and settled.

Love to you all xx

The Big Birthday Weekend!

This is going to be another long one! Make sure you are comfy and have a good drink (I might suggest coffee or something that has caffeine!) because you are going to be here a while. Perhaps some tissue on hand would be a good idea, especially for those of us that are sappy and teary!

I will start with Barry's birthday, yesterday. It was a lovely, wonderful, emotional, tiring day for Barry. When he woke up (I tried to keep Daniel busy, but he was so excited that it was Daddy's birthday!) he was attacked by Daniel lol. He was so excited for prezzies that he couldn't wait any longer. Barry, being a good sport despite the lack of coffee running through his body, acted super excited. When I say acted, the present Daniel picked out for him all by himself was a stuffed bear. Not top of the list for a man turning 50, but Barry was so happy to see Daniel so happy. He made such a fuss, Daniel was on cloud nine! When he opened the chain with the 7 on it, he was completely shocked and pleased. He said he couldn't think of a better gift. He said despite the fact that the IL-2 treatment in Buffalo is off (for now), he is still having the same attitude with everything else. He is still lucky number 7.

So after prezzies and cuddles, it was in the shower to get ready for John the physiotherapist's visit at 8:30. He wasn't here long, as it was his birthday, but he said that Barry's hand is improving greatly! Barry has been doing his exercises and you can actually see that he has more movement. John works magic! Barry's knee, although he stumbled last week and it felt worse, is in fact also improving. The injured area is getting smaller, and although it hurts after walking or standing, the time it takes to feel better again is slightly less than before. Yay! John ordered a walker for the times he has to go a distance, and for when he feels more unsteady than usual. So far he hasn't used it, but its there, just in case.


After John's visit, the phone calls started! Barry said he was ready to throw the phone out by the end of the day, but he loved the phone calls. After every one he had a huge smile. He has this tough guy image to uphold, but I could see through it! lol. He had phone calls from so many people, it was lovely. Steve, Wendie, Dot and Gray, Craig, Bill, AJ and Samantha and Uncle (who sang to him), Erin (who also sang), Mark Harman, Mel and Gage (who sang), and I am sure I am forgetting some! Thank you for the calls.

Barry's Mom and Dad came for the afternoon. They arrived around noon and left after 5. The time just flew by and before we knew it, it was getting late. We went to a Chinese buffet where Barry had shrimp, shrimp and more shrimp! He couldn't eat as much as he used to, but he sure enjoyed what he did have! We finished the meal with the wait staff singing happy birthday and bringing a crown, balloon, and a slice of cake to Barry! If I am honest, the rest of us enjoyed that more than Barry, but it was a great laugh! Barry's mom and dad made an album for Barry, with pictures of him from birth to present day. Inside the front and back, Stan wrote 2 poems for Barry, which had us all in tears! Barry sobbed, and was touched beyond words. I would like to share those, because it was so beautiful.


In the front:

Fifty years have gone by since you entered our world. Joy and tears, we have shared together later in life when you became an individual. You encountered problems and had the courage to ride out the storms. Life has not treated you kindly, many others would have surrendered. Not you, Barry, you dug your heels in to the point of obstinacy. Keep on fighting for you will win.


In the back:

Strong in mind
Broad of limb
His silent laugh
Is all we ask of him.


A gentle smile
A voice so calm
As he protects all
Those he knows, from harm.


So come dear son
Fight the fight
Defend us the weak
With all your might.


Thank you,Mom and Dad, for being so wonderful. Words come easily to me, but to describe just how lovely you are, I can't say enough or find the right words! Barry and I love you, we think you're all right! xxx

(did you have your tissues, as recommended??)


My aunt, Janice (aka AJ) and sister Samantha came for a quick visit and to bring some cards. Samantha gave him a card with lots of birthday coupons, which he is looking forward to using (he is using the "long nap" coupon as I write this! Then my aunt gave him a huge card filled with pennies (probably close to 30!) from the taxi company where she and my uncle work. All the drivers signed beside a penny. It was a nice surprise to see all those names of people thinking of Barry. Thank you to AJ and Uncle for having the lovely idea, and for making Barry smile xx


Then my good friend Kristine came round with a card and a foil helium balloon (to which Daniel has taken ownership of) for Barry. Thank you Kristine for those, and thank you for not noticing my sink full of dishes lol


After that, our friends Lorne and Donna stopped by and brought Barry another card. This made Barry a little teary after they left. I think it was partly due to the overwhelming day, and because we have known them for years, but honestly he wasn't expecting them to stop by. Donna offered her services to watch Daniel if we needed it next week, and it was just such a nice surprise. It was also nice because they genuinely care, along with so many others, and Barry was happy. And my sincere apologies to Lorne for discussing Barry's lack of hair loss. It was insensitive and thoughtless, given your, um, condition! xxx


I want to say thank you to everyone who made this day special for Barry. I think he needed his birthday to get a boost. He is nervous about the chemo on Monday, despite what he says, and yesterday gave him more reason to fight. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for everyones hand in the outpouring of love given to Barry yesterday. It was so nice to see Barry smile, laugh and even cry because of everyone! Thank you, a million times over! xxx Ok... I should have brought tissues with me!!!!


Barry received more cards, and I know there are more coming next week! Here are the latest arrivals:


1. Daniel Walker. He picked out one with an ice cream sundae on it, because Daddy likes ice cream. He wrote love Daniel inside. Thanks Monkey!


2. Me! Sappy and mushy with a 1998 penny, the year we were married, and completely by coincidence!


3. Mom and Dad. A huge card with every Simpson's character ever on the program, complete with the theme song! You win the award for the loudest and biggest card from 2 people!!


4. The gang at Canadian Cab. This is where my aunt and uncle, Janice and Gerry, both work. Thanks to everyone who signed and added a penny! You win the award for most signatures!


5. Kristine Aubin, from Guelph, who is my wonderful friend who has listened to me cry and then built me back up. Thank you for being there for me, and although we have "known" each other for years, its nice to have such a wonderful friend since moving back to Guelph! xxx


6. Lorne and Donna Bennett, from Guelph. I have known Lorne forever, and Donna almost forever. Thanks for ending our evening on a great note! xxx


7. Samantha, my sister. Barry has been here for most of your life. He appreciated the card, the coupons and the visit! Mwaah!


8. Gill and Gary Highton from the UK. Gary and Barry have been friends for a very long time, and the letter inside the card was lovely! Barry wants to give you a call, so please send us your number on face book or email (threebears1959@yahoo.ca) and we can arrange a time! xxx


9. The gang from Your Advantage Staffing. This is the staffing agency Barry worked for for only a short time. They have called regularly to check up on him, sent him flowers while he was in the hospital, sent him 2 birthday cards, one with scratch tickets, and one full of pennies. Thank you to everyone there, Lori, Joanne, Ruth, Stephanie, Jim, Ralph, and Shellie! You have made Barry smile many times!


10. Harold and Peg Stopher, from St. Catharines. These are Barry's uncle and aunt. This was card number 2 from you guys, so thank you very much! xx


11. Uncle Dick, from the UK. Dick is Wendie's uncle. Thank you for remembering Barry after all these years xxx


12. Auntie Lyn, from the UK. Lyn is Wendie's Aunt. Thank you for the lovely card!


13. Peter and Marilyn O'Shea from the Philippines. Peter is Wendie's dad. Thanks for the penny, you win for most creative penny, with a picture of you on the back. Seeing your picture brought back many memories for Barry. Thank you xxx


14. Jeff O'Shea from the UK. Peter is Wendie's brother. Thanks Jeff. Now that we're friends on face book, we can stay in touch xx


15. Julie from the UK. Julie is Jenny's friend. Thank you for taking the time out to send a card to Barry, a stranger. It tugs at our heart strings when strangers send a card xxx


16. Mike, Lynn and Dan Thyer from the UK. Mike and Barry were buddies and worked together in the UK. Always great to hear from the Boo!! Thank you so much xxx


17. Poppy Watson, from the UK. Poppy is a dear friend of Barry's Dad and Mum. Thank you for the beautiful hand made card. The confetti surprised Barry! The poem was so touching, thank you so much for your kind words. We saw your photo, so we now know who you are !! xxx


18. Ron and Pauline Mailloux, from London, Ontario. They are my aunt and uncle, one of my mom's 4 sisters. You win for "toughest" card, with Sylvester Stallone looking scary! And thank you for the pictures of my mom, and of me as a kid! They brought back some memories and made me tear up! Thank you xxx


19. Roy and Loretta Williamson from Pickering, Ontario. Roy and Loretta used to babysit Barry and his sister Lynn over 40 years ago! Thank you for the lovely note. Barry is staying thirsty! xxx


20. Melody Hutton and Greg Selby from Fergus. Mel is my cousin and Greg is her boyfriend. Thanks for the card and pennies! We still expect the peanut butter cookies you have promised to Barry! And you win the prize for the first duplicate card! You and your mom have the only 2 cards out of all of them that are the same!! lol xxx Oh, and Barry was not impressed that you wrote "50" about 50 times on the envelope! Now even the postman knows how old he is lol


21. Gage Selby from Fergus. Gage is Mel and Greg's 4 (almost 5) year old son. You picked out a great card Gage! Thanks buddy. The cat was pretty cute xx


22. Linda and Troy Baltus from Kitchener. They are new friends of ours :) Thank you for the virtual penny and card! You guys are the best xx

23. Jenny Lewis from Australia. Jenny is Steve's (Barry's brother) girlfriend Karen's mum. We haven't got your card in the post, but we got your e-card! Daniel loved the music and sang along with it many many MANY times! You and your friends have been wonderful xxx

So as you can see, yesterday was a great day. Barry (and I) were beat by the end of the day!


Thursday was a different kind of day, but ended on a high note. We went to Grand River Hospital and saw Dr. Knight, the oncologist. This visit was to test Barry's blood and to make sure his blood levels were able to handle the chemotherapy on Monday. They were :) Then the doctor and his nurse explained what to expect from the chemo and the dangers of infection. The white blood cells fight infection, but they will take a huge hit from the chemo, so Barry will be very susceptible to infection for a bit after the treatment, which could be fatal if not treated immediately. So, we were instructed how to avoid infection and then informed of the signs that an infection is starting, and finally how to react if the signs present themselves. All a bit overwhelming, to say the least, but very, very important.

I had what I will call an "encounter" with Dr. Knight, and as politely as I could, I told him to stuff it. The short version is that I find him cold, rude, and resigned to the fact that Barry can't beat this and I finally, after he was rude when I interrupted him to try and clarify a question that he misunderstood, told him just that! I feel a little guilty that I wasn't nice, and that I was long winded in telling him so (me? Long winded? Shocking, I know!) but it has resulted in Barry seeing a new oncologist in Hamilton. We are excited that this new doctor, Dr. Tozer, will be more positive. I never questioned that Dr. Knight was giving Barry outstanding medical care, it was purely the bedside manner and the attitude that was lacking considerably! Really, truly, we need someone positive that is going to encourage us to be positive, and to stay strong, and to fight this battle. We have come this far, rallied enough supporters, and have had a lot of positive vibes sent our way, we will not have the doctors, of all people, erase all that. Period. :)

So literally within the hour after we arrived home, the hospital in Hamilton, Henderson, called us to book the appointment. We could have gone yesterday, on Barry's birthday, but understandably, he wanted the day off (apart from John the physio guy) so it is now on the 22nd (I think). Dr. Knight is going ahead with the first round of chemo on Monday as planned. Barry and I were clear we didn't want to wait. With Barry's cancer being aggressive, its best to do this sooner rather than later.

Barry's mom and dad are coming back to Guelph on Monday to take care of Daniel while Barry and I head to Kitchener for his chemo. With the drugs Barry is to take before, and after the chemo, they expect a milder reaction that what we had originally thought of, having very little knowledge of chemo before all this. If he takes things correctly, and doesn't have an allergic reaction, it could feel like a tummy bug if he is lucky, and strong, which he is both! Here's hoping that it is smooth sailing on Monday.

Well, I am sure if you are still here, you are ready to be elsewhere! Just a few more quick things.

A friend of mine, Jessica, whose mother has battled breast cancer more than once, is running in the 30k Weekend to End Breast Cancer walk. Although the walk is specifically for breast cancer, she and I both have the mindset that if they can find a cure for one cancer, they can find a cure for all cancers! She will be thinking of all the people she has known to battle, win and lose the fight against all cancers. Although I don't know Jessica well, I know she is a strong woman, who raised a lot of money to be a part of the walk. I am so proud that you can do this for your mother, and for everyone else that has lived with cancer. I have been today, and will continue to think of you tomorrow! One day we will find a cure! xxx

Also, I wanted to thank Linda Baltus and Bill Rostron for the lovely compliments they have given me! Thank you and great big squeezy hugs to you both xx

Steve Walker.... I am sorry for the name I called you lol. You are so lovely... but I won't tell anyone just how lovely. I may have cried, but it was because your words, that come from your heart, are just so purely wonderful. Barry and I both appreciate you, and the distance between us is lessened each and every time we talk or write! xxxxxxxx

Until next time, lots of love to you all xxx

School and Donkeys and Nurses, Oh My!

Yesterday was busy, with Daniel going to school and all, that at the end of the day I chose sleep over blogging haha.

His day was wonderful, and no major problems. Apparently he didn't want to share the 5 Frisbees with the other children, and he needs to learn how to put his own shoes on. Other than that he was very well behaved and he had a lot of fun. When we arrived, we changed his shoes into his indoor shoes, and he hugged and kissed us and he was off! I wanted him to miss us just a little bit, but I am so pleased that there were no tears and that he is confident enough to not worry about school! We asked how is day was and he said "good" and then we asked what he did and he said "I don't know". Then, when we asked what the other children's names were, again he said "I don't know". Charming. Apparently this goes on for quite some time, and then changes to "nothing" as in, "what did you do today", "nothing". lol Thank goodness for teachers!! He wanted to go again today, but thankfully Bieke was taking him to the Donkey farm, and that is definitely more fun that school. lol. So we all survived the day, and I only had a few tears fall. So few that you couldn't even call it a cry, but perhaps just a little bit of welling. :)

His trip with Bieke was a huge success, and he just loves animals! He returned very tired and with 2 "I love donkeys" tattoos! Thank you Bieke, and I am sorry I was out when you returned him to us! If I hadn't stopped at Tim Horton's for a coffee for Barry on the way home from the pharmacy, I would have made it in time. That being said, Barry without his coffee is not a good thing lol. Daniel had so much fun, with you and with the donkeys. xxx

The nurse came for a visit this morning. She was very nice and very helpful. She asked lots of questions, and seemed to really care about Barry's health and comfort. His blood pressure is good at 104/64. Since the operation, that is normal for him, so that's one thing in his favour! She was very concerned about his mobility, due to his knee, so she has requested that the physiotherapist, John, find him a walker to use at home and for short walks and a wheelchair for trips to the store, hospital, etc, where more walking is involved. This was mentioned to Barry weeks ago as an option available to him, but he turned it down. His knee was improving thanks to John, but he woke up a few days ago back to where it was pre-John. He is getting frustrated because Barry is a doer. He likes to be active, and to take care of everyone else (Daniel and I). Now that he can't it really bothers him. He also tripped the other day and although he didn't fall, he jarred and twisted his knee. Purely from that perspective, I am glad the walker is coming. John is coming on Friday morning for a quick visit, so hopefully he will bring the chair and the walker with him. On an emotional level, it has to be hard for Barry to admit to needing these, or at least allowing them indoors. I get sad, to see this rugged man needing this sort of assistance. I think part of the problem is that he is weak. Since the operation, and not being as active, and not sleeping well, he has become weak. Not weak as in he can't do anything, just weaker than the super strong man he was before. Just a hard day, I think, coping with these changes.

Barry, I am proud to report, still has a full head of hair! Not one strand appears to be missing. They said his facial hair would fall out too, and I think Barry was actually looking forward to not shaving!

We are not looking forward to Monday, so I will leave writing about that for perhaps the next post. (Monday is the first Chemotherapy treatment). I will also know more tomorrow, as we are meeting with the oncologist, Dr. Knight, tomorrow.

We have had some more cards come in over the last few days:


1. My Aunt Kim and Uncle Bill from Fergus. Barry loved the 50 pennies you laboriously taped inside his card! Thank you :)

2. Diane Vacheff from Fenwick Ontario. She is known as Mom V and is my good friend Corie's mom. Thank you for praying every day for Barry xx

3. Bieke and family from Guelph. Bieke was my big sister when I was very young, and we have a wonderful friendship today. Your support has been wonderful, and Daniel loves seeing you!!

4. Steve and Karen, from Australia. Steve is Barry's brother. Your card made us laugh so hard and then cry with the warmth of your words! We love you!


5. Allan, Deb and Michelle Stopher, from Thorold Ontario. Allan is Barry's cousin. Thank you for pointing out the signs that Barry is 50 lol. Barry is looking forward to saying "I beat this"!! xx

6. Dot and Gray Horne from England. Dot is Barry's first wife Wendie's mum. We hope to see you soon! xxx

7. Jill and Jean Ooms from British Columbia, Canada. Jill is friends of Jenny, who is Barry's brother's girlfriend's mum and Jill has breast cancer. She has given us so much support, while going through her own battle, and having never met us. Thank you, and you are an amazing woman xxx

8. Beth Morton from Winnipeg. Beth is a fellow blogger. Thank you for the card! The coffee never stops with Barry lol. You are also in our thoughts while you brave your own cancer battle xx

9. Wendie and Bernie Jarvis from Missouri. Wendie is Barry's first wife. Well, Wendie, who would have thought we would be friends? But your support and friendship has meant the world to us over the past weeks. When are you moving here?? J/K !! xxx

10. Bill, Sally and Trevor Rostron from Burlington, Ontario. That was one classy card, Bill! haha. Barry laughed and knew you had picked it out. You have been a great friend to Barry and never cease to make him laugh and smile xxx

11. Daphne and Jeff Browning from England. Barry is now thinking of himself as two 25 year olds! xxx

Thanks to everyone so far, and we look forward to those that are going to arrive this week (and next due to postal strikes, slow postal systems, and forgetfulness lol).

I also want to thank you all for faithfully reading this blog. I can't say enough times how much this means to Barry, and to me!
Lots of love, from us to you xxxxx

Our Long Weekend

So it has been a few days since I updated this, but not much has been happening. Today is Labour Day, therefore a long weekend. To be honest, its just another day tacked onto our weekend.

Saturday morning, bright and early, we had a yard sale. It was our first ever, and most likely our last lol. We used to sell on Ebay, but with not enough time in a day, and Barry's stamina not quite what it used to be, we decided to pack it in. So, a yard sale seemed like the best way to go. It was a lot of work, but fun.

Samantha, my sister, and Melody, my cousin came to help. My aunt also helped at the beginning and end. Daniel sat and played in the dirt and had a ball, getting so dirty his bath water afterwards looked something like coffee. Barry sat out for quite a while in two bouts. He was a trooper and smiled lots, talking with all the buyers, wheeling and dealing!

We met this woman, MaryAnne, who had colon cancer and she was such a kind person. She used to work at/run (not sure) the Canadian Cancer Society here in Guelph, but then gave it up when the sad stories started to become too much. She was such a warm, kind person, and she reached out to Barry and I in such a selfless way. She gave us her phone number and told us to call her. She shared her story with Barry, and I got teary while she spoke because she genuinely seemed to care. A stranger, and she was moved with Barry's battle. I fully intend to call her. Our meeting, our paths crossing, was not random. Wendie (Barry's first wife) always say that everything happens for a reason, and I completely believe that too! We may not find out why our lives are intertwined, but it was such a moving experience meeting her, that I am certain there is a reason. She didn't have pity in her eyes when she heard about Barry like most strangers do....she had something else, something more. A sadness, but encouragement and hope? I don't mean to sound corny, but there was something there.

I, and I welcome telling off for this, did not wear sun screen and my face got burnt. Bright red, like a ripened tomato! It hurt, it made me hot, and it made me mad. I felt so foolish. My husband has melanoma, and I am forgetful and foolish enough not to wear sun screen when spending the entire morning outside! Bad, bad, bad, bad, BAD!

Sunday we had a quiet kind of day. I forced myself to go to Walmart to buy Daniel some new shoes for school, but left the boys at home. I was sore in places I have never been sore before, and hope to never be sore again. I did a lot of lifting of the tables, 3 times, and my body was sore lol. So I got the shoes, and a few other bits, and came home. Nothing spectacular, and it was a nice and lazy, well deserved, quiet kind of day. Lovely!

Today, the Legends (not the Leg Ends), aka Barry's Ma and Pa, came for a visit. They were on a mission for pictures, a secret to Barry, and it was disguised as a casual visit. Daniel loves when they visit, and actually didn't want them to go today! Bless him. He had so much fun playing engines with Nanny on the floor, and showing her his imaginary pets (which includes one of every animal he knows about)!

Barry's dad is a healer (excuse my forgetfulness as to the correct terminology). On this visit and the last he has placed his hands on Barry and worked to heal him. Its nice to watch, hoping that it works, and to see Barry and his Dad sharing that tender moment. Every night around 1030pm Stan holds a picture of Barry and clears his mind, asks for guidance, and works to heal Barry. I know I am not doing this any justice, but it has worked on others in the past, he can do this, and I am so moved that he is doing this. We have no way of knowing that his healings work, but I am confident that something is keeping Barry strong. The doctors may have no hope, but we do, the people that love and care for Barry do, and I know that something is keeping the cancer from making him feel its presence. There have been no headaches, no sign of these lesions on his brain, except in the MRI results. Faith is a strange thing to hold onto, but I have it, and I know many others do. Keep those hands working Stan, they are powerful...

Tomorrow is Daniel's first full day of school! My emotions are all over the board here, which I have been told by experienced mothers is normal. He is only 3 and is starting junior kindergarten. 3!! Still a baby, really! Although Barry and his father point out to me that he is growing up. I don't like to hear that, and I can admit that he will always be my baby, regardless of his age! :) So we got him new shoes, chose one of his blankets to bring to school for nap time, decided what to pack in his lunch, and had a good long chat about the fun things he might do at school. He was so excited that there will be red paint, and red crayons to use lol. Red is his absolute favourite colour! So I know I am going to cry when kisses Barry and I goodbye and runs off to play with the farm he has been waiting so patiently waiting to play with since our last visit. He is super excited and I am sure he will miss us for a few seconds, and then he will have too much fun to think of us lol. I am glad he is so excited, and glad that he isn't worried about leaving us for the day, but he is still my little boy! I am not sure I am ready for this. I know its silly, I do. And I am sure Barry and I will enjoy this piece of freedom, just maybe not tomorrow!

Daniel doesn't know this yet, but Bieke is taking Daniel to the donkey sanctuary here in Guelph on Wednesday! He is going to be sooo happy to go back again. He talked about it so much after the last visit. Bieke, you are wonderful to take him! You are going to make this little boy VERY VERY happy! xxxx

This week should be fairly quiet, in regards to appointments. So far its just John the physio guy, and the nurse, then a visit to Dr. Knight, the oncologist. That's a slow week.

I know I am forgetting stuff that I wanted to write about, but perhaps tomorrow it will come to me when I am not so emotional about Daniel's first day lol.

Lots of love to you all, and thank you for the wonderful and unending support!
xxxxx

Radiation Down, Chemo to Go...

I am so proud of Barry. He has finished the radiation! Today was his last zapping as he calls it.

And touch wood, he has had no side effects as of yet. No headaches, no nausea. And so far, no hair loss! lol I am sure that is to come, so they keep telling us. I think he is worried what lies underneath his full head of hair, but hats and bandannas can cover up any bumps or blemishes.

Today was a good day. We had lunch, and Barry ate probably 95% of his meal, so that's an accomplishment in itself. Yesterday he was feeling under the weather, but we think that was down to eating and things not sitting well with him. I was like a mother hen, constantly asking how he was, paranoid that it was something more than what it was. I didn't like that feeling, and I have to try to relax and not panic lol. Not so easy for me!

The stories that I have come in about fond, funny, silly stories about Barry are great. Send more! lol. I will make a special post when I have more. So Steve, Dot, AJ, to call out a few people, send in your stories!

Had a lovely message on face book from the lovely Steve Walker! Looks like he is planning a trip from Australia to the Great White North! You should have seen Barry's face light up at the mention of that! When Steve told him he was beaming and he looked like a child on Christmas morning. So the plans are in the works and Barry, again, has something to look forward to! Steve, you are the best brother and brother in law EVER! Honestly, you have been a rock for Barry, and don't tell him I am blabbing this to everyone, but the one thing he said when a time limit was placed on his live was that he wanted to see you, no matter what the timeline was. And he said this while crying. You are the best. He would have never have asked you to come, so it means so much that you want to come and see him. xxxx

Daniel was sad today because it was not a school day lol. Funny boy :) He goes for a full day on Tuesday, so we shall see what he thinks after being left all day at school lol. I think he will have so much fun he won't even miss us until we're back to collect him at the end of the day! haha

We are having a yard sale tomorrow, so I am going to end this quickly so I can get enough sleep to be up and alert first thing in the morning! Lots of work to get it all out and set up.

Oh... I think tonight Barry looks a little pink. So perhaps he does have a side effect, now that I think of it. They said he may get a pinkish flush to his skin. His neck looks pink, like he is warm.

On that note, I will leave you with Aeorsmith below!
Lots of love and hugs xxxx

Another Mini Update....

Now that I am feeling better, and I let out all the negativity, I feel better for the time being. Daniel and Barry returned and immediately felt better for having the hustle and bustle of two men in the house! Talk about emotional roller coaster. It was a tough few hours, and now I feel back on course for the time being. There is one more trip to the hospital for Radiation. Barry has made it through this leg of the battle and he didn't get sick or any headaches, thus far! I am proud of him for finishing this. The secretary called me back and the chemotherapy was successfully moved from September 11th to the following Monday, the 14th. Please keep Barry in your thoughts that day and visualize the cancer getting smashed to smithereens by the chemo! :)

Today is the day Daniel has been waiting for since he knew what school was! He got to go to school and meet his teacher, and see his classroom. He loved it, to say the least. He was polite, articulate, a good listener and he played well with one of the 2 girls that was there, Helen. The other girl was quite shy and stayed with her mother most of the time. He did a puzzle made of numbers 0-9 and told the teacher (Mrs. Manford going forward to be known as Mrs. M) each number and colour and order of the numbers when asked. She then said she was going to have Daniel teach the class and she would put her feet up lol. It was a proud moment for Barry and I! Then he found a clock and moved the hands and told us it was 6 o'clock, and it was! I didn't even know he could tell time lol. This boy is a genius! He loved seeing all the toys and played nicely when the teacher was talking to the parents. When it was time to go, the poor boy cried his heart out! Mrs. M said she had never seen a child cry when it was time to leave, only when they were dropped off! Lol Daniel goes back this coming Tuesday for an entire day without Barry and I. I can't believe he is growing up!! Then, on the 17th he starts going every Tuesday, Thursday and alternate Fridays. We are so proud of our little man! He is growing up before our eyes!

It was definitely a day of ups and downs, but now its on the up. We are going to settle in and watch some television and then go to bed.

Thanks for reading our blog. The numbers are growing every day, and Barry loves hearing how high the numbers go!

Please don't forget to send your cards, if you haven't already! My goal is 50, so lets keep them coming!

Lots of love to you all xxxx

An Emotional Sara....

Today I have another 2 hours to myself. My aunt, AJ, and my sister, Samantha, have taken Barry to his 4th radiation appointment. I am glad to have the few hours to myself, but freedom is a little too much. With no one here, and I don't want to talk on the phone today, I am sitting here alone. I find alone the worst possible place, especially in the car, when there is nothing to do.

Last night I had weird dreams. We were in South Africa, in a not so nice area, and I was searching, and having to do hard things in poor conditions, with men who were laughing because it was as if I was fighting an impossible battle. I woke up angry and didn't make the connection until this afternoon when bits and pieces of my dream drifted back to my mind.

I am just feeling down and a bit sorry for myself today. The oncologists secretary called today to make the appointment for the start of Barry's chemotherapy. It was originally scheduled for September 11th, but as that is Barry's birthday, we had them change it and now it is the following Monday.

Radiation, Chemo, its all becoming so real. I have to say I am scared senseless. Barry and I have been together 12 years, married for 11, and I can't imagine my life without him. I don't want to. But I am also realistic. And the realness makes me angry. THIS IS NOT FAIR. I have heard all my life that life is not fair. Well, its just not. I actually prayed to god today and said to him that I know I have made mistakes, and Barry has made mistakes, but Daniel hasn't. If for no other reason, please keep Barry around for a long time for Daniel's sake. He doesn't deserved to live without his Daddy. I can explain Barry's operation, I can explain his knee hurting, I can even explain the hair falling out and the side effects of chemotherapy. But how am I supposed to explain to him that his Daddy might not make it? He is not even four and it breaks my heart. Daniel is much to me, everything to me, and his little heart will break if Barry doesn't beat this.

I can be told a million times to stay positive and thing the best and everything else, but sometimes the mind can't be controlled. Sometimes it drifts to future. Daniel is so innocent, so caring, and such a smart and loving boy. How will this change him? All the moms and dads out there know what its like. We want to protect our babies. I don't want him to hurt. My mom died when I was 11 and that was hard enough. Daniel is so young......

We went to his school today and met his teacher and saw his classroom and met 2 little girls that will be in his class. This is a huge change for Daniel, he is so excited about school. This is what he should be doing, not worrying about his Daddy. I don't want his spark to fade....

Sorry if this upsets some of you. I started to write this blog to keep everyone connected and up to speed on Barry's battle. At times this becomes therapeutic, and an release. I don't want to sob on and on to people, that's not what I am like. I like to at least appear to be strong!! I just never felt this sad before.

I guess a side effect of losing my mom, and being a kid, I never really looked into the future. I never planned my wedding in my mind, never dreamed of marrying and having children. Barry changed that in me. He has made me so happy over the years. In 2004 he gave me a picture that says soul mates in Chinese. We really are the essence of soul mates. I am so much a part of him. I have grown so much because of him, I know what love is, I know what happiness is, I know what living is. He is everything to me. I know I will be lost without him here. This can't happen. We are so in synch. We know each other's thoughts, finish sentences, say the same thing at the same time, laugh at the same silly things. We saw a commercial on TV the about a month ago and we both laughed until we had tears. We explained this to someone, and we didn't even get a smile out of them.

I know Barry has plenty of time left, lots more to see and do. I am trying to stay focused on that. Please help me to stay positive.

Maybe everyone who reads this, and knows Barry can send me their fondest, funniest, or best memory of Barry. I could put them all in the blog. My email again is threebears1959@yahoo.ca

I need to stay positive, even on the bad days, or even bad hours. I was doing ok today until I was alone. I almost feel silly now for writing all this, but I won't delete it.

I have stopped crying, remember Barry's laughter. He actually got mad at me because we couldn't stop and he had just had his operation not long ago and it started to hurt him to laugh, but neither of us could.

I also remember the moment I knew I loved Barry 100%. We were in the car, driving along the Queen Elizabeth Way, and there is a pond on one side with Lily pads and flowers. Barry pointed it out and said how nice it was, and I knew that with what we had been through that far, and knowing he appreciated things like that, that I loved him. Seems like a silly time to know, but I remember that is when it happened for me. A few months later we were living together, and few months after that we were engaged for about a week and then married.

What a roller coaster blog entry this has been! Kind of like a conversation with myself. But now I am smiling, remembering why this hurts so much.

Its because I love Barry, with every piece of my heart.

xxxx

Highlights of the Reunion

Here are 4 pictures from when we met with Craig and Wendie. Thanks to Wendie for bringing a camera with Batteries that actually didn't die! Silly me :)

Enjoy :)

This one is Barry, Daniel and Craig leaning on our car, Pepsi. We were worried that we wouldn't fit Daniel and Craig in the same picture because Craig is 6'5" and Daniel is only 43" tall!














I LOVE this picture. Craig is actually smiling slightly, and Daniel just loves his big brother now! It was a sweet moment!

Barry and I at the restaraunt. Probably one of the few pictures you will see of me on here lol. I really don't like having my picture taken....














Wendie and Craig, mother and son :)