Another Hiccup

What started off as a fairly good day quickly turned into another tearful day.

Barry was feeling relatively well, apart from having the hiccups all night and not sleeping well at all. The nausea had lessened from yesterday, and he was not quite as tired. A real trouper, he is! We even decided to go out for a bit of lunch to, you guessed it, Swiss Chalet. Barry was able to eat most of his meal, Daniel was very well behaved, and apart from Barry's bum feeling very bony on the chair, all was good.



We got home and there was a message on our machine from a doctor, whom I can't remember her name, that was filling in for the day for Barry's oncologist, Dr. Knight. I rang her back and was hit hard with some tough news to hear. Barry had a scan on his knee yesterday because he hurt it when he was still at work. He had had a scan about a month ago and nothing showed up, so John the physio guy has been treating it as a soft tissue injury. Well, Barry had another scan yesterday, just to check up on it, and it was revealed that there is cancer in his femur. If that wasn't enough, we were told that Barry cannot walk on it for fear it could break. The femur gets quite narrow at the bottom, above the knee. We do not know the actual size of the cancer there, but it does go across the entire width of the femur at the bottom. This has weakened the bone, and even a minor stumble, or putting his foot down too hard could cause the bone to fracture or break. So no walking. We tried to get the Community Care Access Centre people to get him some crutches, through John the physio guy, but apparently it was too late. Hopefully they will arrive some time tomorrow.



So with this high risk for a break or fracture, Barry has been told to go to the Emergency Room at our hospital tomorrow at 10 am and meet with an orthopedic surgeon. He will meet us there and review the scan from yesterday more closely and decide from there what to do. The doctor I spoke with today said there are two options that she knew of. One, cast Barry's leg to immobilize it, then radiate the area to shrink the mass. This is a bit risky because radiation doesn't work immediately so the chance of breaking or fracturing the femur is still there, although lessened. Two, operate and insert a rod into Barry's knee as a preemptive surgery to eliminate the risk of the break. We are not sure if radiation would occur afterwards, because I was too much in shock to think of all the right questions to ask. Tomorrow we will ask that. Also, with the operation, the doctors would have to take into consideration that Barry just had chemotherapy on Monday, and therefore his white blood cells (which fight infection) and red blood cells (oxygen carriers and also bacteria fighters) could be low, perhaps even too low for an operation.



Basically we were hit hard with this, and Barry is finding it hard to keep his thoughts positive. We had a huge cry today after hearing the news. I knelt in front of him and just hugged him while he cried, and while I cried. It was a bit harder to stop this time. And it broke my heart when Daniel asked why we were crying, and then asked why we didn't stop crying. I am finding it so hard to have my emotions, yet shelter and protect him from this. I couldn't stop crying, and crying is a great outlet, but I know Daniel equates crying with sadness, and therefore becomes quite upset knowing we are sad. It is a hard balancing act to perform, and I feel tremendous guilt for failing day after day. We have a woman from Hospice coming to chat and play with Daniel, to talk with him about cancer, and what we are all going through. She seemed very informed and capable, so I am hoping this fills some of the gaps we have left open. She comes Wednesday this week coming, and I feel it can't be soon enough. I know he is a smart, strong, capable boy, but he is still only 3, and this ordeal will have a lasting effect on him regardless. I just want him to come out of this with the happiness he has now, and to grow with a healthy outlook on life. His innocence and love of all things makes him a pretty special boy, and I don't want this to take that away from him... DAMMIT this isn't fair. This disease is a beast and I HATE it. There is no break from it, there is no peace with it, and there is no reason for it.



I was a mess calling Barry's parents, no help to them. I often fear I am making it worse, being such an emotional messenger. I am sorry I can't make this easier for them. This is their son, no matter how old, and I can't even imagine what they themselves are going through.



Our call from Steve was emotional and sad and beautiful all at the same time. I am not sure what was said, and I don't think we need to know, but I do know they shared some lovely words and a heartfelt cry. These brothers are halfway around the world from each other, but their closeness tonight was evident. Barry couldn't speak, handed me the phone, and I could see Barry sobbing, and I could hear Steve was in the same state, and I felt so much love from them both for the other. I could barely speak. Steve, you are wonderful, and so are you Mom and Dad. I am so lucky to be on Team Walker, and to be a part of such a lovely, wonderful family.



Wendie, once again you are the surprise rock for me. Who would have thought we would be so close? You are a true friend, something I never thought would happen. Thank you for everything you have done, and being there to listen to me cry. I know its not an easy job, but you always know what to say, when to say it, and when to just listen. No wonder your son turned out to be so great. xxxxx



Bieke, you didn't hesitate today when I asked you to watch Daniel tomorrow. You make me feel strong and loved and mush! I love you for all of that, and for how you respect and love Daniel.



My aunt Kim showed up for a surprise visit today. I found it odd, as she has never done that before, just turned up. They say everything happens for a reason, and I believe that. Her visit was just what we needed! She basically said the news was terrible, but you have to fight on! Then the rest of the visit was just normal, if that is possible! The tension and sadness and self pity Barry and both felt was lifted and we were able to put on our game faces again. We couldn't have got through with out her visit and that distraction. Whoever sent her to us today, thank you!



I am going to cuddle with Barry. I think we both need it tonight.



Thank you for all the support on face book and phone calls from those I haven't mentioned. We appreciated every word and call and love. We are blessed and this cancer won't beat Barry. He will beat this cancer!


Lots of love to you all xxxxxxx



P.S. here is a picture of Barry, without his hair xxx