An Emotional Sara....

Today I have another 2 hours to myself. My aunt, AJ, and my sister, Samantha, have taken Barry to his 4th radiation appointment. I am glad to have the few hours to myself, but freedom is a little too much. With no one here, and I don't want to talk on the phone today, I am sitting here alone. I find alone the worst possible place, especially in the car, when there is nothing to do.

Last night I had weird dreams. We were in South Africa, in a not so nice area, and I was searching, and having to do hard things in poor conditions, with men who were laughing because it was as if I was fighting an impossible battle. I woke up angry and didn't make the connection until this afternoon when bits and pieces of my dream drifted back to my mind.

I am just feeling down and a bit sorry for myself today. The oncologists secretary called today to make the appointment for the start of Barry's chemotherapy. It was originally scheduled for September 11th, but as that is Barry's birthday, we had them change it and now it is the following Monday.

Radiation, Chemo, its all becoming so real. I have to say I am scared senseless. Barry and I have been together 12 years, married for 11, and I can't imagine my life without him. I don't want to. But I am also realistic. And the realness makes me angry. THIS IS NOT FAIR. I have heard all my life that life is not fair. Well, its just not. I actually prayed to god today and said to him that I know I have made mistakes, and Barry has made mistakes, but Daniel hasn't. If for no other reason, please keep Barry around for a long time for Daniel's sake. He doesn't deserved to live without his Daddy. I can explain Barry's operation, I can explain his knee hurting, I can even explain the hair falling out and the side effects of chemotherapy. But how am I supposed to explain to him that his Daddy might not make it? He is not even four and it breaks my heart. Daniel is much to me, everything to me, and his little heart will break if Barry doesn't beat this.

I can be told a million times to stay positive and thing the best and everything else, but sometimes the mind can't be controlled. Sometimes it drifts to future. Daniel is so innocent, so caring, and such a smart and loving boy. How will this change him? All the moms and dads out there know what its like. We want to protect our babies. I don't want him to hurt. My mom died when I was 11 and that was hard enough. Daniel is so young......

We went to his school today and met his teacher and saw his classroom and met 2 little girls that will be in his class. This is a huge change for Daniel, he is so excited about school. This is what he should be doing, not worrying about his Daddy. I don't want his spark to fade....

Sorry if this upsets some of you. I started to write this blog to keep everyone connected and up to speed on Barry's battle. At times this becomes therapeutic, and an release. I don't want to sob on and on to people, that's not what I am like. I like to at least appear to be strong!! I just never felt this sad before.

I guess a side effect of losing my mom, and being a kid, I never really looked into the future. I never planned my wedding in my mind, never dreamed of marrying and having children. Barry changed that in me. He has made me so happy over the years. In 2004 he gave me a picture that says soul mates in Chinese. We really are the essence of soul mates. I am so much a part of him. I have grown so much because of him, I know what love is, I know what happiness is, I know what living is. He is everything to me. I know I will be lost without him here. This can't happen. We are so in synch. We know each other's thoughts, finish sentences, say the same thing at the same time, laugh at the same silly things. We saw a commercial on TV the about a month ago and we both laughed until we had tears. We explained this to someone, and we didn't even get a smile out of them.

I know Barry has plenty of time left, lots more to see and do. I am trying to stay focused on that. Please help me to stay positive.

Maybe everyone who reads this, and knows Barry can send me their fondest, funniest, or best memory of Barry. I could put them all in the blog. My email again is threebears1959@yahoo.ca

I need to stay positive, even on the bad days, or even bad hours. I was doing ok today until I was alone. I almost feel silly now for writing all this, but I won't delete it.

I have stopped crying, remember Barry's laughter. He actually got mad at me because we couldn't stop and he had just had his operation not long ago and it started to hurt him to laugh, but neither of us could.

I also remember the moment I knew I loved Barry 100%. We were in the car, driving along the Queen Elizabeth Way, and there is a pond on one side with Lily pads and flowers. Barry pointed it out and said how nice it was, and I knew that with what we had been through that far, and knowing he appreciated things like that, that I loved him. Seems like a silly time to know, but I remember that is when it happened for me. A few months later we were living together, and few months after that we were engaged for about a week and then married.

What a roller coaster blog entry this has been! Kind of like a conversation with myself. But now I am smiling, remembering why this hurts so much.

Its because I love Barry, with every piece of my heart.

xxxx