My New Husband

Today is the day that I have a new husband.

Barry's hair finally decided to fall out today. He has tugged on it every day to see if it was time, but today it finally slipped out easily with no resistance. Barry asked that I borrow clippers from Kristine and buzz his hair off and to buy a bandanna or something to cover up his possibly ugly head. He was feeling a little tired so I had my aunt and sister come round to play with Daniel and sent Barry to bed for a well needed and deserved nap while I popped out to collect what he needed.

I had a few other things to do, so I finished the errands with a trip to Tim Horton's for a coffee for Barry and some timbits for Daniel just after Barry woke up. My aunt and Samantha left, and we debated when to shave his head. We didn't want Daniel to think it was a bad thing and we definitely didn't want to shock him by not telling him before, so we decided to do it then and there. We got Daniel to help, and before we started he got a towel for Barry to wear around his shoulders, placed his favourite blanket on the chair, and got the teddy bear he bought Barry for his birthday in case Barry got scared. (I sure do love him...he is genuinely kind hearted and it melts me when he's so wonderful!) Then, standing tall, Daniel said, "Daniel's cut shop is open for business!". lol We got Barry settled, with towel on and bear in hand, and then together Daniel and I held the scissors and took the first cut together. Then I got the clippers out and started shaving. Daniel left because he doesn't like loud noises and then the mood, at least for me, changed. I felt so sad, shaving his head. Every step we take in this battle makes things more real. But I held back the tears and tried not to appear scared and so sad. I don't suppose Barry believed the laughter and light hearted comments. It was a weird time, both of us feeling a weight upon our shoulders, but pretending it wasn't there.

When we were done, Barry went to the mirror. I felt I should follow him and he took a quick look and ducked away as fast as he could. I saw the back of him and his shoulders were shaking and he turned to me, sobbing, and said he was sad, over and over. There we stood, in our tiny kitchen, hugging and crying. I couldn't say anything, except that I loved him, and it may sound corny, but it was as if time stood still and we just had that moment, being sad and scared together. Then Daniel came in and brought us back to reality. I asked Daniel how Daddy looked and he said funny and Barry laughed, and some how it all was ok.

I honestly think being bald is a good look for Barry. Who would have thought that someone with a full head of beautiful hair would suit no hair at all? I think, and this isn't just to be nice to Barry, that it takes years off of him, and he looks younger and more handsome! He is still Barry, but somehow different. I see his worry just a little bit more, but I don't look at him now and immediately think he is sick. If a stranger saw him on the street, I am sure they would just think he is a bald man.

So the deed is done, we are feeling a bit better, as if the weight was lifted back off our shoulders for the time being, but his hair is still on the counter and I can't bring myself to throw it away. Keeping it in a zipper bag seems a little creepy, but throwing it away seems insensitive not the right thing to do. I keep walking by it, and I am just not ready to throw what belongs to Barry in the garbage. I seriously don't know what goes through my mind since this all began and wonder if I am losing my mind. Rationally, it is nothing more than hair, no different from a regular haircut. Emotionally, its a piece of Barry that deserves more than a trash bin. As it is late, and I am questioning my sanity but still listening to my heart, it will stay there until tomorrow. Perhaps then I can make up my mind.

Yesterday Barry had his first chemo treatment. It was a VERY long day for us, and for Barry's parents, who watched Daniel for the day. (thank you so very much. We couldn't possibly have taken him and made it through the day without tears.) We arrived at the hospital at 10:15am and left at 4:45pm, a 7 hour day at the hospital, with about a 40 minute drive each way.

When we got there, we first met with the pharmacist, Terry, who was just wonderful. He explained each drug that Barry was going to get that day, and all the drugs he was to take afterwards for the following 3 days. He answered all our questions and then some and made us feel so much better about the chemotherapy and what to expect during and afterwards. Terry even made a calendar with each drug and what time to take it and colour coded the drugs and the calendar! Excellent for me, since there is always so much going on during the day, and I like schedules because it organizes me.

So after our chat with Terry, we were taken into this great big area called the chemotherapy suite. There were 3 big rooms and in each room there were beds and chairs for the patients while they were given their chemo drugs. Each big room was like an open ward, with curtains that could be drawn if more privacy was desired. But every single person had their curtain open. I think it was because there was more to watch. Some people were alone and had no one to talk to or nothing to do but lie and watch everyone else. Most people weren't alone, I was glad to see. Barry and I both agreed that there were too many people. There were at least 50 beds or chairs, and Barry's chemo treatment is the longest treatment there is, so people would come and go. It was one day and way too many people were injected with chemo drugs, and too many people suffering and battling cancer. It was sobering to see these fighters, battling for their lives.

After Barry was hooked up to an IV and given some saline to get things started, he was given some Benadryl because a lot of people develop allergy symptoms or a sensitivity to the drugs. That took about 30 minutes to run its course, and made Barry slightly drowsy. Then they added an anti-nausea drug called Metoclopramide which was about 20 minutes, and after that was gone he was given Zantac, which also acted as an anti-nausea drug. So with the pre-chemotherapy medicine out of the way, it was time for Paclitaxel, which had to be given slowly, and took 3 hours to empty the bag! This was the first of the actual chemo drugs. After that long stretch, Barry was given the Carboplatin, the final of the 2 chemo drugs. We were never so happy to be done something as we were when the last drop dripped out of the bag! Barry's nurse, who was just wonderful, removed the IV and sent us on our way. She was so kind, gentle and informative the entire day. We were the last ones to leave from Barry's section. We saw a lot of sick people, including one of the women next to Barry who had breast cancer. She was Spanish, and her daughter sat there and read the bible and prayed to her in Spanish. They both didn't cry, and they both had a calm about them. I don't know if it was her first or 50th treatment, but they just seemed so peaceful, even as the nurse injected a bright red toxic drug into her veins. Where do people get their strength? How do they stay so calm? I was once again humbled that day.

On the lighter side, Barry and I had a really good time together that day. It was almost like the cancer wasn't there when the nurses were gone and we were alone in our little section. We looked at pictures in a national geographic magazine, did crossword puzzles, talked, laughed, and ate some food, and drank some coffee (well, Barry drank the coffee.). It was nice to spend time together, basically doing nothing. It makes a nice change.

Barry never got sick that day. There was a chance he could have, but he didn't. When we left, the nurse said that he would most likely get sick when we got home or during the night. It never happened. Even today, when he should have been sick, he wasn't. He has taken all his drugs, relatively on time, and he has be great. He has felt slightly more tired than usually, but nothing major. He also felt light headed for a bit, but that didn't last. I am truly amazed at his stamina. Whatever keeps getting thrown at him, the takes it and throws it back out the window. He is amazingly strong, and I love him more for doing it with the "bring it on" attitude he embodies.

The nurse that came today was a little surprised that he is doing so well. That's Barry, defying all expectations, and that is exactly what is going to get him through this and what will make him the exception to the rule that melanoma can't be beat! I envision the cancer shrivelling up and disappearing within him. He will go on that road trip with his brother, stopping at all the Tim Horton's in Canada. He will watch Daniel grow up, and see Craig build his career in the Army, and will renew our wedding vows on our 25th anniversary! He will drive truck again, and we will grow old together. HE WILL BEAT THIS!

Barry will win his battle.

xxxxx