Ups and Downs

We just returned from the Radiologist appointment with Dr. Fontin at Grand River in Kitchener. I have to say that I have had higher opinions of other doctors. Perhaps it is my perception, but the doctors at Grand River seem to lack in personality and compassion. He was calling Barry's knee a "boo-boo" which was so condescending and inappropriate. I am angry that they are resigned to the fact that nothing can help Barry. I am certain that positive thinking makes a huge impact on healing. I know doctors are scientists, but there profession is a balance. I HATE that they are giving up on Barry, not fighting for my husband, the man I love, my soul mate.

I have to say that I am angry, and frustrated after our visit. They are going ahead with the radiation, starting on this coming Monday, for 5 sessions. He will go to Grand River once a day for 5 days and they will radiate his entire brain. Because there are 8 lesions they feel instead of pinpointing the exact lesions, it would be more effective to cover the entire brain. They way it was explained to us is that each lesion is made up of millions of cells, and between each cell there are thousands more that are so small they can't be detected by CT or MRI scans.

There is no way to stop the cancer at this point. They can only slow it down, and radiate places that are hurting, like his knee. The doctor said 6-9 months, a year might be stretching it. Damn them for giving up, damn them for not trying. BARRY IS A PERSON, not just cancer. He is first a person, son, brother, father, husband, friend. And we will not give up. We will get second opinions. We will fight! Barry has cancer, cancer does not have Barry.

I am being realistic, I know this isn't good. But where is their hope, their positive thoughts?

I felt claustrophobic listening to this doctor speak. It was as if there was a smile in his voice and it was pushing against me, taking my breath away. I got up and left and didn't hear his voice again. I just couldn't be nice and pretend to care what he said. I stood in the hall and just sobbed, a long empty hallway that is usually bustling with nurses and patients, completely quiet and alone: a parallel to how I felt at that moment. Daniel came out and asked if I was sad because "mommy's mommy" was in the clouds. (mommy's mommy is how Daniel refers to my mom, who for those that don't know, died when I was 11 when she was hit by a car while walking to work) I cried harder because I always felt cheated that she wasn't here for so many things, like when I got married, or had Daniel. Now I am ok that she wasn't here for those. But I wish she was here now, just to hug and help me through this. I felt full of sadness and yearning for Barry and Daniel, and for me. Pity will get me no where, I understand this, but today my heart was hurting. I still don't know how Barry makes it through this and is so strong for everyone.

The drive home was a little sobering, the cool breeze and the sun filling the car. I felt better by the time we got home. Barry's attitude makes this easier, yet harder at the same time.

When we got home, the physiotherapist arrived shortly after. John was a positive, upbeat, caring and sensitive man. This is what I want for Barry's doctors. He was technical with some of the things he said, yet down to earth and caring. It was nice to have him visit. He doesn't think Barry's hand problems or knee are related to the cancer. He gave some exercises for Barry to do over the weekend, and he will return on Tuesday. John is confident that things will heal and Barry will have less pain in his knee within 2-6 weeks, and that his hand will be fully functioning within the same time frame. All good, because the knee problem is what is limiting Barry the most.

Barry received 2 cards today with pennies, so he knows about it now. He was touched, and we are both excited to see how many arrive. I am hoping for 50, because it is his 50th birthday! I will update daily the cards Barry receives. Thank you so much for today's arrivals!

1. Uncle Herold and Aunt Peggy, from St. Catherine's. Daniel loved the frog! xx

2. Veronica from Australia, a friend of Jenny, Karen's Mum. The three bears were wonderful. xx

Another rough tough emotional day. This afternoon we just relaxed at home. I think we all needed that. Some of us (I won't mention who, exactly) even napped for a little bit. I didn't feel like making phone calls or talking. These emotional days are tiring.

I received a lovely email from Linda, a kind woman I met at a party. She has been praying for us in her prayer group since she heard Barry was sick. I was touched today when she asked if her husband and his friend could drop in and see Barry. They have never met, but they want to show their support. Thank you. I am touched every day, even during the worst days, that people are so caring.

My dear friend Nykki, who lives in London England, sent a nice card that we got yesterday, and today her daughter Georgina (who was born the exact day and year as Daniel) make some lovely sparkly pictures for Daniel and wrote (with her mummy's help) a nice letter. He just loved them and now we have to buy some sparkles to make Georgie a picture (as per Daniel's orders lol).

All these little things make me realise what wonderful friends and family we have.

We love you xxx